gonna_live | (no subject)

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On their way upstairs, Kaylee didn't even bother to request the key for their usual room. They were kind of in a hurry.

It is to be hoped for the sake of their current neighbors, if they had any, that the walls were soundproofed.

The show's over now, though, and Kaylee's feeling pretty deliciously lazy.

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He sits when she does, his eyes on the floor.

Slowly, over her last few words, he looks up.

"No," he says unsteadily, "neither of those. I didn't ..."

Kaylee waits.

"I was trying to talk to you about it."

It's hard to get the words out.

"Just now."

She only feels guilty for a moment.

Quiet: "That's a pretty funny way to go about it. Sayin' you'd rather go to service there."

Very low: "It was just a thought. I didn't mean ...

"I'm sorry."

"If I'm takin' you right."

There's a small tremor in her voice.

"And you're honest about -- being curious. What changed?"

"I don't know." Not much louder than a whisper. "Maybe nothing. It's not ... I don't have any intention of converting. I, I don't ..."

His gaze is back on the floor, a few inches from his feet.

"You said it yourself. I haven't suddenly learned how to believe in something."

She strokes the back of his hand with her thumb. "But you -- what, you want to get on speakin' terms with the man upstairs?"

Simon shakes his head.

"I tried that once."

He isn't aware he's said the words out loud.

Kaylee looks at him a little sharply -- but doesn't comment.

"If it's not about God," she says, slow, "then who's it about? Him? Her? You?"

"I want to understand why people believe."

It sounds, ironically enough, like a confession.

She lets out a breath.

Gently:

"You're not... there's not an easy answer that fits everybody like a glove. You know that, right?"

He nods. "I know. That's the, that's the whole point."

"...I don't understand." Even if he won't look up, she's still trying to see his expression, meet his eyes. "You want to ask him specific, but you know the answer won't help you much? Because it's not the only one?"

"Because it's not the only one. Because most of the time I tried not to think about it, with him or with anybody I knew, because I didn't understand it and I couldn't just dismiss it as --"

He breaks off, biting his lip hard.

There goes her temper again.

She closes her eyes, and makes herself take in a breath slowly.

Very quiet:

"Because you didn't like to think that you had the kind of friends who went in for mass hysteria. Because them bein' stupid reflects poorly on you."

No louder: "Because they weren't stupid. Or irrational, or ..."

His mouth twists. "Anything else that matched what I thought about religious belief. I suppose it was some amazing coincidence that everybody I knew personally was an exception."

Barely audible:

"I'm tryin' real hard not to be hurt right now. And I'm not doing a real good job at it."

"I'm sorry."

He looks up, trying to meet her eyes and almost making it.

"I'm trying to change."

"I have to take you at your word on that."

She's not looking at him.

"I -- okay. You're tryin' to change." Beat. "What can I do to help?"

A breath.

Very low, and hesitant: "Can you tell me what it's like for you? If, if I promise to listen, and not ... ?"

"If you hurt me again -- "

Her eyes are a little bright. "I'm not stupid, Simon. There's only so many times I can put myself out there and let you see this business and then find out that you don't respect me for it. You're supposed to worship on your own, in private. I don't -- you don't even understand what it was you belittled. And I don't know if you noticed at all, but I can't just give of myself like that any more. I can't." Kaylee's shaking her head. "Maybe later, when I got some armor worked up, but not tonight."

Simon rubs one hand hard over his forehead and eyes, presses knuckles to his mouth.

Because, well. He's abruptly got a new appreciation for what it feels like to open up about something private, and to be hit hard right where you've made yourself vulnerable.

By someone you love.

I did that. I did that to her.

"It doesn't have to be tonight," he whispers. "It -- you don't have to at all. If it's too ..."

He swallows.

"Kaylee, I am so sorry."

It's pretty easy to see he feels bad about it.

He should, Kaylee thinks, and promptly scolds herself for it: That's not going to help.

"You say you're makin' the effort." Low. "Least I can do is match you. Just... not tonight. Please."

He nods.

"Not tonight."