gonna_live | (no subject)

(no subject)

It's getting on past Kaylee's bedtime -- well after most of the rest of the crew's in bed. She's in the kitchen, damp-haired and in pajamas: long night on the ship in the garage equals a long hot shower before coming home and collapsing next to Simon for a few hours.

But. Tea first.

She stands in front of the range, leaning back against the counter opposite, and watches water boil. It's about as enthralling as it sounds.

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Inara draws her robe around her body tighter as she pads into the kitchen with bare feet. Her hair is sleep-mussed as she comes to a stop next to Kaylee. Her voice is barely a whisper as she nods toward the heating water.

"Hi. Had the same idea. Couldn't sleep."

Kaylee looks at the saucepan; there's enough water in it for two.

"Nothin' caffeinated?" She shifts a little, turning to the cabinet with the tea in. "Any preference?"

"What ever you choose is fine." Inara leans against the counter, studying Kaylee.

"Ni meí shì bà?" It's sooner than Inara would have preferred to ask this, but sometimes words just escape before you're ready. Maybe it's best to have this out now instead of drawing it out any longer.

It's like the ship is having to choose sides. Inara would rather not let this continue.

Kaylee's in the process of pulling down the ginger tea.

She stops, and gives Inara a long, slightly hesitant look over her shoulder, before continuing, and getting a second cup to boot.

"Méi guānxi." It's quiet. "Put in a late night, is all."

Because if she can pretend like she has no idea what Inara is talking about, maybe it'll just stop.

"Kaylee." Inara reaches over and takes a cup from her, to help. "I just."

She pauses and sets the cup down, her hand going to Kaylee's shoulder, to urge her to look. "I need you and Mal to be civil, at the very least, before you leave. You'll tear him--each other...apart."

Pretending this isn't about Mal being upset is easier.

She doesn't lift her eyes.

"He's got to get used to me not bein' around some time." Without much feeling.

"And he will, but it should not be because you're fighting. You'll never come back if you keep fighting." Her fingers tighten around Kaylee's shoulder for a moment before dropping away.

Kaylee makes herself take a breath.

Low: "This is permanent, ain't it? And he don't do good when folks leave."

You of all people ought to know that.

"So you're never going to visit." Inara's voice is just as low. Edgy. Borderline angry.

"We can never visit you. You leave and we'll never see each other again? Somehow I missed that when you announced you were leaving, Kaylee. Because it's not true. Simon will want to see River. I want to see you again. Mal will too."

"He's got a funny ruttin' way of showin' it."

Her hands tighten on the counter's edge.

"You said it yourself." She murmurs, running a hand through her hair. "He doesn't do good when people leave. You're part of his family. He's hurting. You just got...you've got to be nice about going. You're both so angry it's not doing any good."

Inara reaches for the tea bags. "For either of you."

Kaylee makes herself hold very, very still.

I don't know when I got this mad, a part of her thinks; but that's a lie.

"All right," she says -- a little tightly. "I'll be nice."

And nobody will talk to me about what I think. And it'll just be the same as always. Be cheerful or shut up.

"That's not--" Inara sighs. "I just want you to be able to talk without yelling. Or crying, or...Kaylee, you're leaving. You can't ask us not to be sad."

She reaches out to touch the other woman's arm again. "I am so happy for you, I am." Her eyes are tearing up, doing exactly what she's begging Kaylee not to do. "But I'm going to miss you so much. It's always harder when you're not around. I don't get my Kaylee time, I'm always around Mal and I have no one to complain about married life to."

A smile breaks though on Inara's face, watery and heartbroken but happy at the same time. Bittersweet. "But I want you to be happy. And if leaving with your husband, giving yourself a life with just him is it, then I'm happy for you. I love you, Kaylee. I just want you to remember that we all do."

I just want to grow up, she thinks. Is that so much to ask?

There's a lump in her throat. She swallows, hard, and blinks, and doesn't look up.

"Fine," she manages. "I'll remember. Okay?"

Feeling like she's failed what she's set out to do, Inara presses her hand against her forehead for a moment. Nodding, she clears her throat. "Yeah. Okay."

Kaylee bites her lower lip.

"The water boilin' yet?"

Inara glances down and nods. "Yeah."

She takes the water off the heat, pours it into the cups. Hesitates before pulling Kaylee into a hug. "I'm gonna miss you, mèimei. So just...prepare for lots of waves. I can be annoying if I want to be."

She's stiff at first, but then -- after a good few seconds -- she lets herself relax. A little.

"Okay." The single word is timid -- so much so that she thinks, shocked, Good lord, is that me?

By which point, she's hugging Inara back, and her hold tightens a little, and her shoulders shake as she tries to hold back a completely irrational sob.

Inara tightens her arms around Kaylee, holding onto her as her shoulders shake. "It's okay," she whispers against Kaylee's head. "You can cry."

She can only hold the other woman, hold her and try not to cry all over her as well.

Well. If it's an open invitation.

It's just that she doesn't do this any more. Except with Simon, on increasingly rare occasions. Because there's never seemed to be any point to losing it, when all they do is tell you Kaylee, no, and Kaylee, it's okay, when you're crying because something's told you no and it's not okay, not at all.

Choked, and miserable: "I'm sorry -- "

I'm making too much noise.

"Don't apologize." Inara whispers, fiercely. "Don't. It's okay to cry, I promise."

She pulls back, just a little, to wipe her own tears, to take a shaky, hesitant breath. "Do you want to sit?"

She shakes her head. "No, I -- " And makes herself breathe.

"No."

Stop it. Stop crying.

"Okay."

She swipes her fingers below Kaylee's eyes, wiping away tears and hands her the tea cup.

She crooks her fingers around it, letting only the tips rest on the ceramic.

"I'm fine," she says, low.

"You will be." Inara whispers, half-agreeing. "Things will work out, Kaylee. And you can always call or write if you need anything. We are still your family."

Kaylee nods, tired, and doesn't bother to voice any doubts about that.

(And Simon just swallowed the excuse about there being too much work to do for her to spend every night on Serenity proper.)

"I mean it. I hold a lot of sway with our dear captain, being his wife." She smiles, softly. "I'll lock him in a closet if I need to."

"He'll just complain too much for you to want to keep him in there for long." She doesn't put much energy in sounding wry.

"I invested in earplugs the last time we were planetside."

She's supposed to laugh at that, she knows.

Kaylee manages a faint-sounding "oh".

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