(no subject)

[gonna_live]

In the dream, she's a real heartbreaker.

She takes them, over and over again, up in the arena where it looks like the sky goes on forever. She finds them, one by one, and tries them out, leaving a trail of crumpled bodies in her wake, and she remembers smiling as she takes each one.

Mal's comes first, and it's like a club, broad and heavy. She swings the sword hard and fast, but she doesn't know how to handle it. She lets it drop. Mal doesn't move.

Next is River. It takes her a moment to pin River down, but when she plunges her hand in the sword comes easily. It's thin, spindly, with a deep red jewel inset in the hilt. The kind of speed she's looking for, but too flexible. Kaylee rejects it and walks on. River stays, immobile.

Simon's heart is no weapon at all. She steps over his body, disgusted, and moves on.

Susannah Dean and Rose Toren get rejected. Their weapons, she knows, aren't hers -- Rose's almost fits, is almost what she's looking for, but in the end she stamps her feet with frustration (how unbefitting for a duelist!) and lets it drop as well. Rose's eyes stare glassy at the endless blue sky.

She likes the screams the best, she thinks.

And it's finally the vampire thing that she comes to take, at the last, to fight her enemy, to kill (she's come to set fire to your glamour). The vampire thing that looks like her. Kaylee sets out her palm and pulls, and feels her heart pull out of its body -- and keeps going. Like squeezing blood from a stone.

She pulls out her own heart and watches it beat. It looks like a jewel.

The vampire thing pulls her hair aside and sinks its teeth deep in her neck.

Kaylee starts to laugh as she falls. Her heart turns to sand in her hands. "Stop laughing," says a voice, "you're going to hell." She's laughing and laughing and she can't breathe but it's just so funny.













Kaylee's eyes snap open.

In the dim light that bleeds into their room from the corridor she can see the way out.

She carefully picks her way past Simon and slips out, leaving the door cracked.

Comments

[simon_doctor]

"What," he murmurs, "be ... not-powerless?"

[gonna_live]

"Yeah."

She lets her eyes close briefly. Not too long. There are things there. Bodies.

"Either you run people down or you let them run you down. I don't -- I can't do it." Low, and unhappy. "I want to be me, I want to live, I just want to be left alone."





"With present company included." Her hand snakes out from under the blanket to rest on his knee.

[simon_doctor]

Simon's other hand comes down to cover hers, and squeeze gently.

He's starting to develop a guess as to what she dreamed about -- what kind of thing she dreamed about, if not the specifics.

[gonna_live]

It's the middle of the night.

She could say things because it's the middle of the night, and have them forgotten by morning.

She could.

Instead:

"I don't think I'm any good at this living thing." At least Kaylee's got it in her to sound a little amused. (More like rueful, but close enough.)

[simon_doctor]

He squeezes her hand a little tighter.

Very soft: "Is it that bad?"

[gonna_live]

Kaylee shakes her head, and lets out a soft sigh.

"I'm not -- it's not like I'm gonna do something dumb. I'm -- I'm here. It's not bad like that. I just..."

Her head shifts a little. "If there's a way to stand up for yourself without stomping on other folks, I ain't found it yet."

[simon_doctor]

Quiet for a moment, then a sigh echoing hers.

"Some people seem to manage," he murmurs. "I don't know how either."

[gonna_live]

"Well. For the record. I don't like it." She links her fingers with his.

[simon_doctor]

"It doesn't seem right, does it." His thumb strokes the back of her hand.

"I mean, in theory that's part of what government is supposed to be for, to protect people. So they don't have to constantly fight to protect themselves." He shakes his head. "Doesn't exactly work out that way in practice, though, does it."

[gonna_live]

Kaylee aims an eye up at him.

Doesn't say anything.

[simon_doctor]

He shakes his head. "I just mean ... in the end, either you have to fight or someone else has to fight for you."

[gonna_live]

"Sound like the captain," she murmurs, and now she does sound amused.

[simon_doctor]

A small, wry smile.

"Maybe. I don't think it bothers him that way, though."

[gonna_live]

"No, but he's always been good with punchin' folks."

She disentangles herself long enough to reach up and touch his cheek. "As you got reason to know."

[simon_doctor]

He gives a near-soundless laugh. "Maybe that helps."

[gonna_live]

Kaylee settles her hand on top of his again. "I don't think that's a route I want to take, speakin' personally."

[simon_doctor]

"Being good at punching people?" Rueful. "I don't think I would either."

[gonna_live]

She tries closing her eyes again.

"It'd just be nice if I could do this without bein' scared of myself."

[simon_doctor]

Quietly: "Scared of yourself?"

[gonna_live]

She nods a little.

[simon_doctor]

His hand's gone still on her shoulder; it moves to her back and starts rubbing in slow circles.

"Is it all right if I ask why?"

[gonna_live]

"Because nice girls don't get mean. Or mad."

[simon_doctor]

He opens his mouth, and closes it again.

With the uneasy feeling that somehow they're not talking about the same thing anymore.

[gonna_live]

Kaylee doesn't say anything.

[simon_doctor]

"I don't understand," he says finally, still quiet.