gonna_live (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gonna_live) wrote2009-02-11 05:27 pm
gonna_live) wrote2009-02-11 05:27 pm
(no subject)
"I guess you just think there's something you could've done," Kaylee says faintly. She's looking out at the square of thin winter sunlight on the wood floor in Diana's office. There's a cat sleeping in it; Kaylee'd brightened when Diana had apologized, asked if she was allergic, said that there were movers at her apartment and the cat needed to not be there. Kaylee said she didn't mind at all. She doesn't mind the wistful feeling about how it'd be nice to have something small and quiet and furry around, either. "With the girls like you. Once we got one out -- my husband was working at the clinic when she came in about seven months along and they wasn't going to let her keep it. And turned out she was my sister-in-law, only I didn't know it, and neither did she -- my brother, my middle brother, he left a long time ago and he don't care nothin' for our family, specially now that he's got his own. And it didn't end well, when we got her out. There's more future for her in Vidalia, that's certain, but that don't mean much. And... she's not mine to worry about, never was. Don't stop me, though."
"Do you think there's anything you could have done for her?" Diana is seated in her square, boxy, overstuffed chair, long silver hair loose, expression (as always) thoughtful.
Kaylee shakes her head. "And that's the problem, ain't it -- I mean, Ruth ain't even the worst one, far as that goes. There was -- out on the, the borders -- "
She's thought about how to start talking about this, once she realized she'd need to. She's tried to put all the details into place -- how to translate them into something believable, that won't blow any cover as far as Milliways is concerned, that won't get her institutionalized for thinking she killed herself.
"It was self-defense," Kaylee says, looking straight at Diana, and Diana doesn't look away. "And I keep telling myself that, and it don't help."
***
She does cry. Most of the story comes out, but she does cry through some of it.
"You're upset because you took a life very much like your own," Diana says. "You feel that life has value?"
Kaylee nods, sniffles, dabs under her eyes with a tissue.
"Do you think she thought life had value?"
A sigh. "Only -- " She sounds stuffed up. "For what it could get her. Like. I think... I think killin' made her happy." Bewildered. "And I don't -- I don't understand how that could be."
"She'd been mistreated by this... Eddie, you said. The one who was like her."
Kaylee nods.
"Sometimes cruelty turns people -- real, wonderful people -- into shells of themselves. Have you ever seen that happen?"
Kaylee nods.
"Do you think that could have anything to do with how this girl lived?"
Very small, Kaylee says, "He kept her in a hole and it didn't look like he fed her."
It's Diana's turn to nod. For a moment there's just quiet. Then: "Kaylee, do you think you might be displacing some of your feelings about your life, and how you want it to be, on this girl?"
"Maybe." The word is painstaking.
"You talk about your own life, and how scared you are when someone takes control of it out of your hands by moving here, by invading your safe spaces, by your losses. And you couldn't make things better for this girl, and it's very clear that it's eating at you."
A faint smile, and Kaylee wipes under her eyes again.
"Do you really know anything about her?"
"No," Kaylee whispers. "And that's the problem."
***
"And she's... she needs somebody to talk to. That's clear as day. And they're worlds away, just... whenever they show up things start happening again."
"And if you say no?"
"It didn't work last time." Darkly. "I mean -- that's how I got where I was when I killed that girl. Doin' favors for these folks. But -- but Rose needs help, or she wouldn't've come to me. I know that."
Diana nods. "Can you put up some very clear boundaries? Do you think you'll be able to assert that? Because you're right -- it's good to help people who need it. But only if you feel capable of doing this without doing yourself any injury."
"Advice about your love life won't cost me nothin'." Kaylee presses the heel of her hand against her eye. "I don't know, I -- it's a little less like I'm gonna jump off the ledge now. Can I keep you updated? I know we're almost done."
Diana's regard is grave. "For now. Sure."
"Do you think there's anything you could have done for her?" Diana is seated in her square, boxy, overstuffed chair, long silver hair loose, expression (as always) thoughtful.
Kaylee shakes her head. "And that's the problem, ain't it -- I mean, Ruth ain't even the worst one, far as that goes. There was -- out on the, the borders -- "
She's thought about how to start talking about this, once she realized she'd need to. She's tried to put all the details into place -- how to translate them into something believable, that won't blow any cover as far as Milliways is concerned, that won't get her institutionalized for thinking she killed herself.
"It was self-defense," Kaylee says, looking straight at Diana, and Diana doesn't look away. "And I keep telling myself that, and it don't help."
She does cry. Most of the story comes out, but she does cry through some of it.
"You're upset because you took a life very much like your own," Diana says. "You feel that life has value?"
Kaylee nods, sniffles, dabs under her eyes with a tissue.
"Do you think she thought life had value?"
A sigh. "Only -- " She sounds stuffed up. "For what it could get her. Like. I think... I think killin' made her happy." Bewildered. "And I don't -- I don't understand how that could be."
"She'd been mistreated by this... Eddie, you said. The one who was like her."
Kaylee nods.
"Sometimes cruelty turns people -- real, wonderful people -- into shells of themselves. Have you ever seen that happen?"
Kaylee nods.
"Do you think that could have anything to do with how this girl lived?"
Very small, Kaylee says, "He kept her in a hole and it didn't look like he fed her."
It's Diana's turn to nod. For a moment there's just quiet. Then: "Kaylee, do you think you might be displacing some of your feelings about your life, and how you want it to be, on this girl?"
"Maybe." The word is painstaking.
"You talk about your own life, and how scared you are when someone takes control of it out of your hands by moving here, by invading your safe spaces, by your losses. And you couldn't make things better for this girl, and it's very clear that it's eating at you."
A faint smile, and Kaylee wipes under her eyes again.
"Do you really know anything about her?"
"No," Kaylee whispers. "And that's the problem."
"And she's... she needs somebody to talk to. That's clear as day. And they're worlds away, just... whenever they show up things start happening again."
"And if you say no?"
"It didn't work last time." Darkly. "I mean -- that's how I got where I was when I killed that girl. Doin' favors for these folks. But -- but Rose needs help, or she wouldn't've come to me. I know that."
Diana nods. "Can you put up some very clear boundaries? Do you think you'll be able to assert that? Because you're right -- it's good to help people who need it. But only if you feel capable of doing this without doing yourself any injury."
"Advice about your love life won't cost me nothin'." Kaylee presses the heel of her hand against her eye. "I don't know, I -- it's a little less like I'm gonna jump off the ledge now. Can I keep you updated? I know we're almost done."
Diana's regard is grave. "For now. Sure."